She made me feel awful about myself. I thanked her for it.

In a previous post, I talked about how Adeline and I spent endless hours talking about life, the universe, and everything. I also talked about how absolutely essential it is that whoever it is that you do your road trip with, you get along. What I didn't talk about was how close you can wind up getting to that friend over those long talks down long, empty roads.

Perhaps one of the things I treasure the most about Adeline is that she taught me in no uncertain terms the meaning and value of honesty in a friendship. And although the way it was done was brutal, it was both necessary and effective.

See, Adeline is one of those people who doesn't hold back. At one point of our road trip, we both started telling each other precisely the kinds of things that we didn't like about each other.

"You want too many things."
"You're very uncertain."
"You say one thing when you mean another."
"You don't know what you want."
"You need to have more tact."

It's always painful to have someone point out your character flaws in cold honesty. And as she was pointing out those flaws, I fell silent in the car because I knew that all of them were true.

Most of the time, when people tell you character flaws, the immediate and instinctual response is to deny all of them. So while a part of my brain was fighting against these allegations, at the same time I knew that this was precious advice.

I also knew that we'd reached a pivotal point in our friendship - you don't just go up to anyone and tell them the things you like and you don't like about them. So when someone tells you that you need to fix these things, that's a big step for someone to take.

Instead of defending myself against those faults and denying they existed, I realised that even if I didn't think those faults were there, someone else did.

There is a very important quote I read a while ago. When I read it the first time, it was like a switch flipped in my head - I realised the mistake that I'd always made in all my friendships and relationships. 

"We judge others by their actions, and ourselves by our intentions."

So when Adeline lay all my flaws out on the table for me to see, I realised that these traits were the result of myself making excuses for some certain behaviour - something which I had intended to do, in the process creating some bad habit. And hearing all of this hurt. It made me feel awful, and it made me want to scream at her. It made me want to get out of the car right now and go somewhere else. But still, I listened.

If I was saying one thing but meaning another, it was because I was trying not to hurt someone by something I was saying - except that in the process, I'd come across as being extremely insincere and fake. This wasn't the person I was trying to be - I was trying to be tactful, but wound up being insincere.

Even if I had good intentions, it wasn't excusable behaviour if I'd wound up causing hurt in the process.

After all, if someone else had unintentionally caused some hurt to me, did that make the pain any less real just because they didn't mean to?

And that is how, on a long drive into the setting sun in the middle of rural Lithuania, I came to realise that the most necessary truths are also the most painful ones - the ones that we hide beneath the belief that just our intention for something to happen is all that anyone should see. That's just not true - it isn't the intention of an action that counts, but the action itself.

Just because we don't mean for something to happen doesn't mean that we are therefore excused from their consequences.

It takes incredible courage for someone to tell someone else their character flaws and trust that that's not going to make them run away from the fear of it all. Perhaps it was spending 24/7 around each other; perhaps it was us being two girls from South-East Asia in the middle of a Northern European country with only each other to rely on; perhaps it was just one of things that happen during road trips.

Whatever it was, I'm glad it happened, because I doubt anyone else would have told me. Most people turn a blind eye to someone else's faults, perhaps because they're afraid of hurting them by telling them how much they're being awful for doing something wrong.

But the truth is, often people are incapable of looking at themselves as others see them.

And sometimes we all need a little bit of help just to see exactly where we're going wrong so that we can fix it. Is it going to be painful? Of course it is. A little heads up is always nice, or you can just let the topic come up naturally in the flow of conversation.

And although it can be hard to listen to,  I learned that you should encourage others to be honest and let you know when you're being stupid. Don't feed the trolls, of course - trust that those who know and respect you will give you genuine feedback. It's gonna sting, but no pain, no gain.

As Adeline and I pulled up into the parking space of what looked like a Lithuanian country resort, we saw the sun setting over the calm water. In the span of that drive, we had said very little, but the weight of what was said was immense. In the serenity of the Lithuanian country, my thoughts were chaotic with trying to identify those guilty instances.

The remainder of the night was quiet, with our conversation hanging over our heads. Hearing your flaws and not trying to fight against them, it turns out, is extremely tiring, because you're going against something that you're naturally inclined to do. Who knew that trying not to do something could be so hard?

Still, it was a conversation I was glad I had. I would have probably continued doing those very same things if I hadn't been told about them there and then, by someone who I knew and trusted had my best interests at heart.

And I learned that when you meet someone who genuinely cares about and respects you enough to tell you about your flaws, it is your privilege to know them and they'll wind up being one of the greatest treasures someone can have.

I'm still trying to change, of course - change doesn't happen overnight, but what I've become is more self-aware, more observant of the things that I do, more careful with every action. And if I learned nothing else from that conversation, I learned this: that the best thing you can do for yourself is to listen, really listen, to what others have to say about you.

Now every time I look in the mirror, I see not only my own intentions, but how my actions are perceived by others. If someone tells me something that makes me feel uncomfortable, I don't just sweep it under the carpet - I look for the truth in what they say.

I'll never be perfect, but at least it's a start.